The Comedy Dad Diet: Vegetarianish

I’m 42 years old and I have two children under the age of two. Like a lot of people, I wanted to be a parent before age 40, but I didn’t exactly plan on a darn near two for one. But I’m happy! My wonderful son and daughter are both the product of myself and my beautiful wife, Dr. Tamasha Triplett Scott and raising them is more challenging than I thought.

I bank on having about 40 good years left on the Earth, but to make sure I at least make it to middle school graduation I got a routine physical at the Hampton, Virginia VA Hospital. The doctor told me everything was high except my chances to live. I’d gained fifty pounds since the birth of my eighteen-month-old son. It’s not just women that gain baby weight!

“What have you been eating?” the doc asked. I figured after I told her pig’s feet she knew every other part came with that from bacon to chops to sausage to scrapple. Now that’s country. She read over my results and gave it to me straight: I’m not diabetic, but I’m one BBQ from it. So she said “Okay, well cut back on meat, dairy, sugar, gluten…” I didn’t even know what gluten was, but I bet it tastes good.

I’d been on diets before. I knew what I needed to do.

Go Vegetarianish.

I know what you’re thinking. There is ho such a thing as vegetarianish. I beg to differ. It’s the lifestyle I live. It’s awesome! I taste everything I like, but 95 percent of my diet is fruits, vegetables and cheese pizza. Believe me when I say I really enjoy that 5 percent that remains.

Every little greasy piece of it.

Has anyone ever tried to go cold turkey with the meat? It’s easy if you’re single because eating toast and grapefruit tastes way better if the people across from you don’t have a piece of bacon hanging off their plate. So to keep myself from going on a nine day pork binge eating sausage, pork chops, and hot dogs and thereby sending my blood pressure higher than the HD Channels, I just wait for my wife to get something tasty and eat off her plate.

I’ll take something like two shrimps while she’s not looking, or cut off exactly one bite of steak. We’re married! What’s hers is mine. Then I’ll be back to my veggie omelet or spaghetti with no meat.

Satisfaction! #vegatarianish

Being a parent makes being a vegetarian challenging. I guarantee by the time your kids reach college if you’re a modern, working class adult you will have cooked close to one million chicken nuggets. And you can’t tell me you ain’t gonna try one, especially if your kids are small and they leave a few on the plate. So to combat this I’ll cook myself two extra nuggets and get them fresh out the oven with a little bit of a honey mustard. Ghetto heaven on earth!! Believe it or not that keeps me from making a random McNugget run.

Last but not least, I’m gonna live up to every black dietary stereotype and keep it real. I’m gonna get at least a one of two piece from Bojangles’ Famous Chicken and Biscuits with the Dirty Rice every six months. Plus anytime between May and September I could possibly eat blue crab or crab legs everyday. That’s technically the Ghetto Vegetarian diet but that’s another blog.

So like I said “I’m vegatarianish” because I barely eat meat. My blood pressure and my cholesterol are down. I’ve lost seventeen pounds since November.

I still enjoy everything. But only a taste my friends. #vegetarianish #comedydad


Twitter: @alexscottcomedy


Instagram: @thecomedydad