I’m eight days into my Green Smoothie cleanse. Maybe I should say I’m eight days out, because if this were 100 years ago they would have called my favorite spot the last week the “Out House!”
I took the show on the road. Me, my jokes and my smoothies went to Washington D.C., and let me tell you, 95 N anywhere past Richmond is not where you want to be drinking smoothies and water.
That traffic started backing up and I started filling up right at about the same time. I kept telling myself, “I can make to Fredericksburg. Just make it to Fredricksburg. Please just make it Fredericksburg!” I know a good clean Lowes right off the interstate, and if that doesn’t work there’s a Planet Fitness not too far; anything not to use the public rest area on the highway. I always feel like I’m gonna get the cooties or something.
Next thing I knew it hit like a ton of bricks. I knew right then I wasn’t making it Fredericksburg.
I was in panic mode. Over a quart of water mixed with a spinach, banana, apple, blueberry and flaxseed ball of fury. At this point I didn’t care what exit I took or what store it was, and that’s when I saw it as we creeped along at 45 mph. “Rest Area 2 miles ahead.” I thought to myself, “I don’t care if the cooties are directing traffic when I pull in the parking lot. I gotta go!”
We finally arrive and I’m already telling my wife. “I can’t help you with the kids of this go-round. You’re on your own, babe.”
That’s when I heard the biggest laugh followed by the biggest “Eeww” at the same time. As I looked around my wife had now pointed out that the restroom was out of order and they had a line of porta pottys lined up behind the real bathrooms like we’re at a concert on the side of interstate 95. But I had to do what I to do.
Saying that to say this: If you want to come to the Virginia Beach Funnybone you can register to win free tickets here on hrscene.com. I look damn good in my outfit after I’ve lost this 14lbs in 8 days. That ain’t come easy, you hear! Because I ran to that potty so fast I didn’t have time to take a selfie and I was too embarrassed to take one coming out the “Out House.”
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